A Piece Lost

Recently I lost a friend... more than a friend... a sister... a soul sister. All due to lack of communication. A lot of hurt stemmed from the situation, given the lack of respect taken to resolve the initial problem in the first place. To which it set the precedence for how it was dealt with, which led to a falling out. Unfortunate, but that is what happens when we aren't honest and opened. When hold on to things and pretend that it is all okay when it isn't.

When you know someone for so long, you accept them in your life, who they are and what they stand for. Mistakes happen. But as long as they are owned up too, the circumstances can be solved. But if your pride has you holding on and neglecting to acknowledge the remorse so much so that you justify disrespecting someone... that shit is not cool.

I love this soul, no doubt. But hurt they inflicted... and the fact that they are unable to acknowledge it, as they are so caught up feeling justified in the predicament they caused... one they created. It doesn't allow space for resolving, it only gives way to more frustration.

It started with a harmless sarcastic remark which was acknowledged the same day and apologized for, it was a tad blown out of proportion, but nevertheless acknowledged. To then be brought up months later as justification for not responding to my messages... HELL NO! Especially when we had spoken here and there, even hung out a couple of times after the fact, to then hit me with that... once again... HELL NO!!!!

To make a big deal for something so minuscule, to the extend you ignore the person and fail to offer up some sort of conversation to solve the situation, you just proceed to cut them out, after years of friendship. WHAT?!!!! Hold up...

Let's talk real talk...

Because for someone to knit pick on something I did, without acknowledging their influence on the situation isn't right. Especially when the matter in question was a consequence of their actions, and all they are feeding me are lame ass excuses for being mad... damn straight I'm going to lose my shit.

For our friendship changed, the moment she hung up the phone on me when I needed her most. Two months into my living away from home, I confided in her about the usual family politics, crying and stressed, she hung up the phone on me. And I understood why, it was the same story, the same bullshit and she was teaching me a lesson, but I needed her... just needed to vent... needed someone to listen, talk to it out with... and I didn't get that. It was more about me listening to her, more about me taking her advice. And I got that, I respected that. As she is a tough love kind of individual.

But not once after that point did we speak, not once did she message me to ask how I was doing. Six months went by without even a message, without even a check-in. And so, of course after the hang up, the dynamic of the friendship changed, never disrespected her in any way. I just learned something new about this person and I was okay with it, just needed to adjust myself accordingly. And so I did.  

And not once, did she notice the change of dynamic. And that was cool. It wasn't done with the intention to bring about anything, it was more so done with the intention of a better understanding.

I never said anything, nor brought it up. Because here is the thing, I'm all about acceptance... love people as they are. Don't try to change them, just let them be, and if need be you change, you adjust yourself in reference to who they are and how they will proceed to be involved in our life. No nonsense, no bullshit.

But the moment you come at me with ridiculousness, is the moment you open up a can of worms. Shit will go down, and everything I've been overlooking will come out. Because if you attack me, you better believe I'll attack you, especially... especially, if I've been swallowing. What do you think this is?! And especially when respect has been thrown out the window. Consideration lost... and narcissism just taking over. Nawwww, I don't do that shit.

It seems as though everyone wants respect, yet they are unwilling to offer up any of their own.

I just never took her to be one of those individuals, who overlooks the hurt she inflicts and focuses solely on her perspective. She never used to be like that, and I'm unsure what changed her... but it all just shifted.

Sad part is I miss her... I miss her deeply. She understood me in a way not many others do... and I only have three of those humans in my life. Her being one of them, leaving only two. And it sucks... It sucks losing a person who understands you without words.

So a piece has been lost... a piece I never thought I would have lost... But that's life shit happens.

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