Disappointment
I think the hardest thing to accept is the disappointment in yourself... not because what was done, but rather because you let yourself down... you let your guard down, you gave yourself to someone that didn't respect it... appreciate it. And it wasn't that they necessarily treated you bad, but rather, they didn't acknowledge what they had. And the truth is they didn't acknowledge, because they themselves have yet to acknowledge themselves... because one can only love at their level of self-love... one can only be aware at their level of self-awareness... accept at their level of self-acceptance.
But the thing is, as much I know that, I understand it and I get it! It doesn't mean it doesn't impact me, it doesn't make things better... shit still bothers me. It bothers me for the simple fact, it was there in plain sight for quite some time, more prominent towards the last few months. But the signs were very much there prior, I'm talking 4-5 months in, but there is always that chance given. As we have grown into world where people don't try or even bother, the slight bit of threat or challenge... we bail. We don't even try to conquer it... most of us retreat. And I get it! I bail too... but I bail because I've tried and there comes to a point where one can no longer hold themselves together. Their peace has been massively disrupted through time -lack of consideration and complete disregard... all because you are you... holding things in... making things work, because why make a fuss if not necessary.
But then to have someone make such a fuss of tiniest of things, or better yet, things have already been resolved and handled... I mean. Really?! It makes someone wonder why did they tolerate so much... why did they give so much hope and put so much effort... when all along it would be disregarded. And we never know until it happens. But again sign were there... signs showing the ground was shaky, the structure wasn't sturdy. And I'm talking about the two of us, I'm talking about as individual. The confidence, self-esteem and self-reassurance wasn't there... it was damaged.
Damaged and I knew it, believed I could restore it... but the problem is, when you are the only believing, it never works. Because the minute someone comes to shake that ground, talking in your ear, blowing wind.... that tower you been holding up comes down. All because one didn't have the strength to believe themselves enough to be able to fight against the wind. They listened to others over themselves. Well you sat there ignoring yourself knowing it all along, yet still believing.
It's a different kind of disappointment... because it's not that you did bad, but rather you did good, and yet here you are... you built someone up, holding it all together, to have them tear you down as they listened to others. Completely disregarding you and your efforts, while being pivot to it all, for the fact that they could stand sturdy enough within themselves to be able to stand for you.
And that sucks, because you can't blame them, they didn't and don't know any better, they are who they are. The thing you still loved them knowing that... hoping that way they would have seen that. But of course, they didn't, because they can't even see themselves. So lost in who they are, they believe everyone and everything else, but the decisions they made...
One of them being you...
It's a vicious cycle... trying to run away from yourself, when you have yet to face yourself... love and heal yourself...
And so it sucks... knowing I actually did good this time, but I still let myself down... I believed in something, someone... and call me crazy but I still do, in a sense... but not for us, but for the simple fact that everyone deserves to be believed in. And it is sad... really sad knowing that someone is so lost within themselves, that they miss out... they sabotage. I've been there, but lucky for me it happened at early age, and I was able to learn quickly, that all you got is you... and I had support, but still all you got is you. No one cares at the end of the day. The only person looking in the mirror is you. People will talk and give their opinion, because it's very easy to say then it is to do... especially in matters that don't impact them on the same level they impact you. Because after all is said and done, they go home to the life they have, not yours.... so they didn't know... you only do...
And I learnt that every young... didn't change much, as I still made stupid decisions -but at this age, not knowing that... not acknowledging and recognizing that, can really fuck shit up. It can put you right back to square one. And there you are alone, while everyone stays living their life, as though nothing happened, while everything did... and it's just news to them, but to you it's life... your life -everyone else playing a role, expect for you... passively living on the opinions of others... under the influence...
Unable to see, that we must first stand on our own two feet, to be able to stand on our own feet. Read that again...
And so yes, disappointment hits, but I'm confident in all that was and is... most importantly, all that will be.
