Awakenings

So, it's been wild. A lot has come into fruition, both internally and externally. A lot of breakthrough moments, and if you've ever had any sort of awakening you know they don't come without a breakdown. Or I should say breakdowns... plural. For destruction is always required before rebuilding, because to rebuild in that which is already built wouldn't be anything either than renovating. And if you merely renovate, it may look good, but it never feels good. Why?! Because, the facade is worn and outdated, unfixed... just painted over. 

Breakdowns are necessity to revelations, a requirement. The avoidance of them will only cause more suffering. Never ending. And so, appreciate when shit happens, as that is where the gold lies. That is where the money is to be made. Because the question is, why is it happening?! What is it that need to be seen?! Learnt and understood. Right?! As everything happens for a reason. 

So dive in to discover it. For that is what it means to be awakened.

And the thing is, it's an emotional journey, it requires tuning in even when you want to tune out. Lately, I've been feeling a lot of heavy energy, depleting energy, I wasn't sure if it was mine or not, but it felt like it was... and I think it was, now that doesn't mean that it wasn't casted upon another. But it was very low vibrational. And being that I've been on such a journey over the past few months... mediating, journaling, yoga, cleansing, and just really tuning in. I was at such a stable, steady maintained vibration -it flowed. Then mercury retrograde hit and it was a world wind of low vibrational energy that just needed to be checked. And I wasn't sure how to check it, because I was pretty sure I already did. 

The healing from the heartache was done months and months ago, the healing from self-limiting beliefs and self-doubt was done a couple months later, but the knowing of self was yet to be understood. But here I was thinking I was good, when really self still required actualization. And what I mean is, I healed the pain of betrayal, then healed the insecurities from it, but failed to own the power within it. I didn't step up to myself, acknowledge my self. I thought I did, but I didn't, because I didn't ground myself. Solidify my structure. My stability.

I healed, learned and grew, but it was as though I almost floated away. Because as I grew, ego and pride of realizations had me inflated. And when you are inflated, you aren't grounded. You aren't connected. You think you are because you see results, as you have done the work on the prior, but you get lost in those results. As you fail to dig deeper. Believing you have found the gold, when the gold is still waiting to be found. Hurray, that you found a few coins along the way, but the measure is still awaiting.

And this last download brought me to that realization, it put so much into perspective, that it actually bought tears to my eyes. Because I've discredited myself so much, due to the mistakes that I've made, that there is this underlying feeling if having to prove. Prove to others as well as myself. I've so torn down, and that's not all reference to my last relationship, but just in my life in general. I've literally been the one to learn from.... aka what not to do ... hahaha. And now I'm finally realizing I needed to know what not to do, to know what to do. 

And that is wild all on its own. But what is even wilder is owning that power. Most importantly, owning that power within self. And not needing anyone to see or know it. AND THAT... that's what I missed. That's what I forgot. I've always felt alone and been alone. And I've known the power of being alone. It's incredible, amazing things happen. But it's the wanting to sharing those amazing things that make you feel lonely. As you have no one to share them with, you want to scream at the top of the mountain. You want to share your joy and you can't, as you have no one to share it with... no one that will not judge, hate, degrade... you're alone. And those moments that make it hard.

But it's when you realize that you're the only one that it all needs sharing with... is when you actualize everything. Because we are the plug. We are the connection and disconnection. We are enough to share our own successes with, we don't need to scream it from a mountain top, because the smile we carry from ear to ear is enough in knowing that it is known. And that... that is beautiful.

So I love what is unfolding, even though I don't have means to share it with someone at the moment, sharing it with self is more than enough... for I rather that, than share it with the wrong soul and have it crash before my eyes... because I am enough in my awareness and knowing of it, I don't need to share it, because I have it...

And that is a blessed feeling... an ultimate download.