Slow Start Workaholic
So it’s been a slow start… and I’m not judging myself for it. At first I was, but now -patience. And not patience in the sense that I need time, but patience in the sense that the resistance is warranted. I was having a conversation with a friend and in the midst of that conversation, I backtracked and realized, I worked 16-18 hour days… sometimes 20 hours, non-stop. I mean, there were days I wouldn’t eat, didn’t eat, and when I did it, if I did, it would be 12-14 hours in. And on top of it, I don’t sleep, because I become so obsessive compulsive, my brain doesn’t shut off, it keeps going and going. Which is partially why I wouldn’t eat, because I just want to get things done… in my crazy mind I can’t relax or enjoy until things are done -I can’t stop.
It’s a problem, I know. haha… The thing is I burn myself out. For 6-7 months, 16-18 hour days, 6 days a week (10-12 on Sunday), non-stop, restless sleeps and malnourished with zero down time. It was go-go-go. Energizer bunny on crack. And the minute, I could take a breather… a moment for me… I over indulged hahahaha…
Still indulging to be honest, not half as much, but I mean, I needed the recharge, I needed the reset. Especially considering not only what has happened on a professional level, but also what has happened on a personal one. Definitely needed to process everything, take it all in and sit with it. It was literally 6-7 months of placing myself on the back burner, seeing only what needed to be done, everything else taking precedence.
And honestly, I love me. I love being with me. It feels good. I enjoy it. Sometimes a little too much, and then it activates my Leo laziness, where I just want to do nothing and just be doing me. If I feel it, I feel it.. if I don’t, I don’t. But it is dangerous, because I’m a social butterfly and I need love and energy around me. But then I get into modes of pure lazy, so much so that social interaction is unattractive, not only am I taking time and energy from me, but I’m having to give time and energy. And granted that, I took so much from myself already, it isn’t easy giving it way, especially after it being taken for granted…
But on the prior note, I get how it sounds -snooty, but not everyone is worthy of our time and energy, and sometimes we need to give it to ourselves more than to others. Because I know for me when I give, I give wholly and it is felt deeply. So it does impact me. Energy is felt at levels. The thing is the reverse is true as well, I need the energy from others, but the right energy. And I hate to say ‘right’… but what I mean is authentic… authentic energy -mind and body alignment. Energy and time aren’t things we get back, once they are gone they are gone. So what are you doing with both your time and energy?! But then that’s part of the problem.
The hesitation to give time and energy all willy nilly and the fear to start it all over again… and not so much fear, but the sacrifice. The sacrifice of yourself again.. at least for me. Hence the slow start, because a balance needs to be found, and it some what has been, but in all things other than work (aka the brand). Dreading a potential burn out and over exposure. And part of me doesn’t know of it’s fully recharged, while the other part of me is screaming ‘let’s go’ ‘things need to done’…
It is a vicious cycle, as that doubt stems from the lack of external energy, lack of productivity and being busy. Because when you are busy doing, you aren’t busy thinking… doubting and questioning, because you are moving… you are in momentum. And for me, once out of momentum, especially after a hit while on overdrive, starting an engine needs a little warming…
But that doesn’t mean, the gear doesn’t get shifted and the pedestal gets put to the metal… just means the engine needs a little bit of heat before the start… this way it runs a little bit longer, and lasts a close to lifetime.
