What Is It I Feel?!

So this is a personal one… I usually write through thought, philosophical in sense of offering perspective and reason… a certain rational. But right now, it isn’t the vibe… right now is the time to let it all out. I had a very close friend recently asked me, ‘I know you have been busy and we have been chatting, but you haven’t talked about how your feeling…’ And I mean… who wants to feel?! And… who wants to talk about whatever it is that they are feeling?! I mean there really is nothing to be done, or that can be done… so why talk about it?! Why waste time… time on something that simply is what it is?!

Terrible that I’m saying this granted that I’m an awareness coach, but this is awareness… I’m aware that I don’t want to feel and I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to be busy… busy doing, busy creating, busy… busy enough to move forward, and hopefully if I stay busy enough, I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling… dealing… it will just pass.

But I mean, that is just suppression -numbing, something I’ve always done, at first with drugs and now with being busy… keeping busy. Avoidance of anything that makes me feel pain… emotional pain. Hence why I always put a smile on me face… making the best out of any and every situation. Because why feel pain?! Anguish?! I mean, unless it’s kinky, then I’m all for pain, but emotionally… definitely not! I just feel too much, too deeply. It hurts on a level most won’t understand. And so… I avoid it.

Yet, I couldn’t help but to taken by my friend’s statement. She isn’t one talk emotions, we chat and vent, but deep deep emotions… they have always been in particular settings. So tossed this in on an average day… it stuck me. And so I ask myself, what is it I feel?!

I feel hurt. I feel as though I was alone without really being alone. You see, I recently went through break up… its been a few months already. But I’ve so busy being busy that I haven’t dealt with it -processed it. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had moments. Only here and there. And believe me, I don’t miss him or want him back. It’s more of the fact that I thought it is it -I saw the red flags, but I was raised on seeing my mother sacrificing herself for my father. Forgiving his indiscretions time and time again -his disregard in so long as he had what he wanted. Narcissistic in many ways.

And so, I was doing the same… the same as I’ve always done… disregard myself. But this time it is was different, as the sacrifice was more of a compromise, an acceptance. An acceptance of who he was and what I needed to do. And I was willing, I was willing to have to work more, do more… I knew that I was going to have to pull the weight on creating the life we both wanted for ourselves. And I was okay with that, because I’m already doing it for myself, so to include another, one that would be along side me… but that’s if they would be along side you… he wasn’t.

He questioned, doubted and put pressure in so many ways… emotionally and mentally tearing me down, to the point, I didn’t even want to be around him. The negativity… the ‘needing’ of things… drained me. The lack of satisfaction that he had with what he had… the desperation to be accepted and appear above… drained me. The in-appreciation and ungratefulness masked with fancy things -brand names substituting as confidence and success. While pressuring another to be better and do better, when they themselves have yet to feel better. I mean… how can you demand?!

I’ll never forget, there was one fight we had, he came home feeling a kind of way because everyone around him was making moves, buying homes and taking the next step… and he couldn’t. So of course, I was the punching bag. Yelling and screaming ‘the goal is to make $10 000 a month, what are you doing?! You have been doing this and that and nothing works?! Nothing is happening. When is your course launching?! Who is going to buy it?! You have no credentials… How is it going to make money if no one is going to listen to you?!…..’ it goes on and on… And I remember taking all of it, and looking at him dead in the face (working 16-18 hours days non-stop on a variety of projects, and yes some worked, some didn’t, but I was still doing) and I just looked and said ‘you know what?! Fuck you *name*… Fuck you’ and walked away…

Because honestly, what the fuck were you doing?! What were you doing to make $10 000 a month?! Because in that moment I was bringing in more than half that… well working to bring more… so tell me, what the fuck were you doing?! Perfecting your golf abilities to impress clients, that you have no idea how to service them?! Because we all know that a perfect back swing is what lands you the contract, rather than what it is you do for them on the job. I mean, saving them money and pricing them out isn’t necessary if you can golf less than par… ridiculous!!!

Now I didn’t say that, because to be honest I couldn’t have been bothered. I was so torn down at that point, so beaten by his words. And all I saw by that point were demands for a lifestyle he was unwilling to work for, unwilling to sacrifice and make happen. He just wanted the appearance of money, as though it would fill the void in his soul… restore his confidence in that he has fancy things. And don’t get me wrong I love me some fancy things… but they come at a cost. And if you keep buying fancy things, well you won’t be able to make moves…

Because what is the use of making $10 000 a month if your spending $12 000… or even if you are spending $8000, the key is to save more then you spend but if all you are doing is parading around in a lifestyle you can’t afford while wanting the big moves, then when you compare yourself, compare not just the big moves but also the little ones -the new sunglasses, latest Jordans… everything. And the thing is, I knew this, I saw this, right down to the new bag he needed to buy for his golf trip, because his custom made Roots bag was too much, so he just needed a new bag. Well… guess what?! That new bag is less $300 put toward the life one demands so boldly. The life one pressures and throws on another, beating and bringing them down, as though the other needs to provide, while they enjoy.

Another fight I remember… we were on the way to the his family farm, this was last time I saw the family if I’m not mistaken… it’s all just blur to be honest. I just remember the ride was one I’ll never forget. I decided to address the topic of him questioning and doubting me, as we had been talking about finances and potentially purchasing a house, and he had been really on it as to blame me for why we couldn’t. When really he didn’t want to give up his lifestyle… words that came from his mouth. Yet, whenever it came down to him feeling a way, I was to blame for not making moves, not the fact he didn’t want to sacrifice… but me -I didn’t make the money… hahaha funny really… regardless, on the ride up, I addressed it as we did the numbers and it worked, it was a matter of sacrifice, not tight… just sacrifice luxury for a little while building stability. And throughout that conversation, my words were, ‘when I say I can do something… I will do it! I will make it happen… I keep my word’ his response… ‘are you saying I’m not a man?! Fuck you Carina… fuck you…’ I was blown away… our conversation was not at all about him, it was about me reassuring that it could have been done, and for him not to question or doubt me. I was stunned and I don’t even remember what else was said, I just remember shutting down, there was no point… tried to communicate that it was not at all what I said, but nothing, if anything it got worst. More and more mindblowing… twists of words and turning of tables… draining… so draining.

And thankfully my mom interrupted by calling me, because being a passenger in an angry man’s car is probably one of the scariest feelings for me… the scars are definitely all too real. Between my dad and two of my exes… it is definitely not an experience I wanted to face again. And if my mom hadn’t called, who knows?! Not saying he is violent, he never showed any sort of violence… but then again, where his mental space was at that moment, you never know, because nothing was going in. It was full on projection of anger and dissatisfaction… unhappiness and I was all to blame. Not his choices or decisions… but me. And as much as I tried to turn his perspective around, in terms of boosting up his spirits on all the experiences he had travelling that no one else had, it still was me… I was lacking -not him. I was the failure -not him. I was the reason why -not him. And yet, there I was with more assets under my name then he had under his… there I was with more leverage than he had… yet I was to blame.

And it got to a point, I could no longer, and I began calling him out, because I was tired of the abuse… tired of the disrespect and disregard. The lack of appreciation and consideration. The inability to shift perspectives and get real… take ownership and responsibility. Grow the fuck up!!! And the more I called him out when under attack, the more distance was created… especially when you have people talking in your ear, who only know a fraction of the story… and more so, who wants to face their demons?! When most have yet to be confronted… most have yet to be seen and acknowledged… covered up in travels and a well-off family while draped in brands. Great! Superficial and materialistic… thinking nice things define you… make you…

I was raised with money… nice things don’t define you! The richest man can have the ugliest of hearts… my mom always said, ‘you tell the difference between those raised with money and those not… some are spoiled yes, but people raised with money don’t parade around their money -it’s just money, those who come into wealth, parade it around as though there is something to prove, as they never had it.’ Class.

Anyway… the point is, I feel like I was alone. As though, I was the only one willing to sacrifice myself for a higher purpose… for a life together that both wanted and dreamed of, regardless if I were the one to make it happen as he enjoyed the luxury of it… I was okay with that, and I thought that was it! I was committed to allowing myself to be that person… and that’s what kills me… it kills me that I was in it alone, that he wouldn’t do the same, so much so that he didn’t even care to try. Given that the minute he was inconvenience, his demons shown, he didn’t bother to try, after all I was doing and putting in -all the sacrificing I was making, knowing I would be the one for the rest of our lives pulling the weight… he didn’t even try.

And I get it… it is totally the universe protecting me, I know it. Because I already have seen better and experienced better since… I say this, because once I said ‘yes’ to dating again, the universe showed me exactly what it is I was worth. But that’s a different story, one I’m not ready for, as many other things are taking precedence. But it still gets me. It still hurts. Thinking I was alone… so alone… and I can’t believe I did that to myself. And I can’t believe I’m still holding on, as though him coming back is a sense of reassurance, when really how is it?! Because, if someone can’t show up for themselves, how can they show up for you?! And to be honest, can I really call it reassurance?! At this point, it would be more of a ‘realization’…

A realization that he built up his walls so high, he failed at giving his all… not letting them down for the one that would have given him the life he wanted… the one that would have sacrificed -doing whatever it took, even if it meant losing a bit of themselves. It would be a realization of his loss… because to be honest, I can’t say I lost. Don’t get me wrong he was a great human being, beautiful heart, but one that was kept, hurt, lost, confused and insecure… uncertain… why I say this… well because his last relationship ended with him wanting to propose and her walking off. So I get it! Like me, he thought that was it! Him and her. Forever, until not.

Something I myself did to my ex-fiancee, he thought that was it… me and him -forever! He was done! Found the one. But no, it wasn’t right. So I had too, and like him, this last one probably felt that same thing… similar -not to the full extent, as he never proposed, bought the ring, had an engagement party, booked and put deposits… but nevertheless, on that spectrum. And now, here I am, feeling that… feeling that, ‘I thought I was done… I thought that was it…’

Funny, how the world works. I wouldn’t say it’s karma, it’s more understanding… realization not of a loss, rather of emotions felt… of what it means to let go of something you have truly grown such attachment too, as it all just made sense. It isn’t so much of wanting it back, but more… acceptance that even though it ‘looked’, ‘felt’ like it made sense… it wasn’t written in the stars. It wasn’t for this lifetime… maybe another, who knows?! But you just have to let go…

So I get it, I get what my ex-fiancee felt the day I walked away… and I get, how my ex felt the day his ex walked away… I get it, because I feel part of it in this moment. ‘I thought that was it… I was done!’ But of course, the universe has other plans for me, and I’m totally cool with it… f*ck I got to be -no choice! Yet, I can’t help but feel alone… alone in it all. And nothing is lonelier than feeling alone when not at all…

But again, I wouldn’t want it back, as I wouldn’t have what have today, if it wasn’t for what happened. But I do want to know that I wasn’t alone… but it’s something I have live without… something I have to just accept, that maybe I was the whole time and that’s okay…. I’m grateful for it all, because it not only propelled forward with launching my course, managing the family business, making investments, buying a new car, getting my own space, having Otis… it has shown me the pain behind the illusion… it has humbled me…

And even though it sucks to feel… I need it! I need to cry… I need to feel the knots in my chest and the ball in my throat while the tears roll down my face… I need it… because how can I heal if I’m not healing?! How can I guide if I’m running?! I can’t… so I have to feel, so that I can teach… so that I can be a product of my word…

So I feel a shit load… a shit load of shit lol… a world wind of emotions. Pain and joy. It’s the beauty of life… because you can’t appreciate the good without experiencing the bad. I just hope I don’t push the wrong one away, given that at this point… I’m tired of giving myself. I’m tired of investing… I almost want nothing to do with it -just wanting me and Little O.

Anywho thanks for listening… for being my escape, granting me the ability to let it out, because Lord knows I would have stayed concealing -smiling while suppressing, crossing my fingers that time and distractions heal. So thank you…

Ps. A special thank you to the friend that noted my silence… I appreciate you.