I have always felt this sense of being alone… the feeling that ‘it’s you and only you’… no else understands or gets it. Always felt I felt more than most, thought and dealt with more than most. And I’m not down playing what others have gone through, but rather realizing… realizing that we are all on our alone. Always and forever.

It’s a level of understanding that grows deeper, not only for myself but for others as well, as it offers the ability to connect on a different level… understanding that each and every one of our battles are ours and only ours to fight and no one else cares… and yes that sounds dark. But, it is facts.

For the only person staring at us when we brush our teeth… is ourselves! No one else. No one cares if you make it or don’t and if they do, it’s usually for their own gratification. Either believing in you or not… there is always something to gain from it -emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically or financially.

This was something I realized long ago, and just recently came to know it yet again, just different circumstance… same story. Unfortunate, as no matter how much you give… how much you show… you are still all alone. It’s you and only you… and of course them.

Heartbreaking in so many ways… it makes you just want to be on your own. Fuck it!  Fuck everyone! For have you not been through enough?! Have you not proven yourself by giving yourself?! Why it is a fight… a battle?! For you have fought so many already… why add more?! It’s just so unnecessary.

Then be doubted and questioned as though you haven’t…. as though, their undertaking was more than yours… not even taking a moment… the time to understand, get to know is such belittlement. Ignorance. As though, to always place oneself in a victimize role -caught up in narcissism, a false illusion of self worth. And unfortunately, not many are in tune…

Only understanding at our level of comprehension…. many of us never going further, for we already think we have the answers…

And I guess, that is the difference… because you never have the answer, just an assumption, or rather a perception of it. But perception can be clouded, perception is clouded, and when taken as truth… can be detrimental. It can have you pushing people away who want nothing but good things for you, have you mistreating and disrespecting thinking you’re above them… projecting insecurities so that you feel better about yourself as you make them feel worse about themselves.  

Nothing lonelier then not being understood, but rather judged from a clouded perspective… one unwilling to see beyond that which they think know. One unwilling to consider, provide reason and perspective. Look deeper, one who refuses to see beyond surface level. It’s as though you speak and you do, yet you’re not seen or heard. Then you’re used to convenience for convenience. A use as necessary. Something I’ve felt for far too long in my life. And I’m not talking romantic relationships. 

And to now to be faced with that… I mean… I’ve dated some shitty guys, but I was always praised… beaten down, but praised. Abused in many ways. Yet they all knew what they had, even fought for it during and after, not just days, weeks and months after… we are talking years later. Every single one. And I’m not praising myself or suggesting am an angel… I’m most definitely not. I can own that. I am to blame for a whole lot in my life. And I don’t run from that. But I know how I love. I know what I give and… and this one… I didn’t see coming.

I did in a way… actually in many ways. But I really had hope. Everything fit. It fit my illusion so well -on the surface. Now anything more… anything deeper -definitely not. And that I didn’t expect… the game was played so well. And it doesn’t help I was under the influence most of that beginning stage plus covid, but I mean… well played. Well fucking played. 

The sad part is when you feel alone, you’re so fearful of actually being alone, and you overlook. Disregard due to comfort… the illusion of stability. And there is nothing worse than looking back realizing how tolerated it all… fed into the illusion of it all, to then just feel alone when you weren’t at all alone… beaten down. Toss aside in a corner only used for convenience, whether it be to be punching bag or to show love -you are at their disposal. And there is nothing more lonelier than that.

Textbook definition of abuse. And I’ve been down that road… and the only difference this time is that they all knew they had a problem… this one interesting enough is perfect –funny. Denial is real. Projection is real. Deflection is real. Listen we all got problems, we all got our shit!

If one is feeling a way, off-balance, why not just be alone?! Be in peace with yourself… by yourself. Or at least try to find it. If you got chaos running through you, don’t include others… figure your shit out first!

But for real, why not just be alone?! I love being with me… I do what I need to do, I get shit done, no stress or worries, no hassle… it’s gold.

So really am I alone?! Personally I think I’m with the best company…

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