Toxic?!
The thought of someone beating someone down to feel better about themselves -threaten by your strength, because they have none of their own -is very different from one beating down for control. It wasn’t until recently, that I experienced the former, as I’ve mostly experienced the latter. As the latter, demands an ego. Control is ego driven, and if you got ego -you have certain level of confidence. Because to demand control, you couldn’t perceive yourself as weak. But the beat someone down due to threat is very different. It’s savage -as it’s survival. And we will go to extreme lengths to survive when threaten. Animal instinct.
When we feel weak we can either seek strength within ourselves or we can project imposing our weaknesses on another… and let me tell you it isn’t fun being on receiving end of this one. Because you see, I’ve been in abusive relationships, where it was all ego -but with ego came audacity, the audacity of feeling worthy… haha… the audacity of feeling worthy. And I’m not going to lie, I like that audacity -that confidence… that it doesn’t matter if you aren’t ‘perfect’ you are still worthy… or you think you are. It is toxic as f*ck, no doubt, hence why I stayed away to then only end up in one that was driven on threat.
But going back, there is just something to be said about it being ego driven, as toxic as it is, it keeps the other feeling valued and worth something… simply because of the audacity of feeling worthy, yet knowing you’re not. Whereas when driven by threat, weakness becomes savage and the toxicity of it will have the other feeling less than, as the only means for strength is sought through imposing weakness… that means devaluing, un-appreciating while disrespecting. It means instilling lack of confidence in another to boost yours. It is putting your fears, doubts and insecurities on another, granted that they pose a threat to your lack of ego -confidence.
And I mean… it takes a lot to be confident. And ironically, when one gains that confidence -the unstoppable, you can’t touch me- does one come in to throw rocks at it. Funny how the universe works when teaching us lessons. For when I lacked that kind of confidence, rocks were never thrown. Value was given -acknowledged. So to be devalued at such a high point is interesting to say least -in retrospect it’s a lesson. Ego isn’t the issue, pride is.
For when one feels threaten, the last thing they want to do is admit weakness -pride. So rather than having the audacity, they have pride… in that they are ‘right’. As seeing the truth would be admitting fault -weakness. Justified and entitled to their illusion. And to be honest, feeling justified and entitled based on pride is not a good look, feeling it on ego… well that’s a little sexier… haha. It shows confidence… dominance.
And as I said, I’ve strayed away from dominance as it has led to toxicity, opening myself to opposing side -submissive. Thinking the shift would remove harm done to the soul… and let me tell you, the harm done is just the same, if not worst. And not in the sense of destroying you, because I’ll be honest, this was not one where I was destroyed. But in the sense that it had me travelling backwards… suppressing and silencing…
Until enough was enough… and at some point the poison takes its affects. And there you are stuck in a hole, the same one you once were, but this time not controlled -suppressed…. dimmed.
Probably one worst feelings in the world… I much rather be dominated than silenced -torn down. For silence implies unworthiness, whereas dominance suggests worth. Because why would you want to dominate that which unworthy?! Doesn’t make sense. But one would in fact silence that with they dim isn’t worthy. Because why would they silence something that was… unless they themselves are lacking… wanting to bring you down to where they are… to how they feel about themselves.
It’s kind of cruel when you think about it, beating someone down to feel as you do… their happiness a threat, as they themselves are unhappy… uncapable of valuing others, or even accepting happiness as they dpn’t value themselves nor are happy. A threat to their being, and rather than using physical force… one is implicit with their words and actions. The toxicity of it… ‘invisible’ nevertheless present. Manipulation followed by gaslighting… emotional and mental fuckery. As some days one was present, while others not at all -most days so self involved, the other is uncertain to the role. Valued for the convenience they bring and nothing more. Almost though, one is in service of them, for them, and they aren’t for you…
I mean call me crazy, but I much rather be struck, then that above… at least I know exactly who it is I’m dealing with, rather than one who doesn’t even know themselves… their being so shaken that they must rattle yours… inflecting all that is felt within them upon you… pouring out their darkness and not to release it, but to impose it… impose it upon another… dimming one happiness, their confidence and certainty, as they have none of their own… to only then expect more from one, pushing and pushing while implicitly beating down… if that isn’t cruel, I don’t know what is…
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