How To Build Your Confidence
In a world filled with propaganda on what the ideals of success, beauty, love, happiness, joy, progress and everything else in between, it can be easy to lose yourself in comparison. And even easier to not even know who you are, or better yet, where you are going and that’s even if you’re moving. Not only has the media shoved their version of the ideal in our faces over and over again, through ads, news, shows, movies and more. Social media has allowed for our peers to the same, it has given way for ordinary people to share their life.
The thing is, no one shares their lows, and if they do, they do so when at a high… motivation and inspiration. Which is great, but regardless it is only and ever highlights. Highlights to the current state, the present moment, they may in fact reference past struggles, but nonetheless shared at a high, and not a low.
And furthermore, it is always surface level, rarely does one see what goes on behind the scenes. What it took to get there, have this or that… and we might see snippets, but we never see the full extent. Media, including social media, only ever shows one side, more importantly, a fraction of that one side. All subject to interpretation. Interpretation formulated by us, someone who knows the full ins and outs of their life, but not that of others. Yet, we compare everything that we know our life to that which we think we know of someone else’s, all based on what we see, and nothing of what we know. Comparing an orange to its’ image, taking the image and believing it to be the orange… is essentially what we do.
So it is easy to get caught up, when seeing the picture perfect and comparing it to the chaos behind the scenes. The reality of life. The reality of love… success… wealth. Everything looks beautiful from the outside, it’s rarely that beautiful on the inside. Granted that anything and everything takes work. No one wakes up and has everything, no one wakes up and gets everything. There is time, effort and work that always has to be done.
Problem
The problem is, we only see our work, time and effort and compare to it to the end result of another. Not knowing their work, time and effort. Or even their circumstances. You might see someone cruising around in a Lambo and think to yourself he is so lucky or he is rich… but what if he isn’t lucky, what if he has 16 hour days, doesn’t see his family and only gets a few days out of the year to escape and enjoy… would you say he is lucky?! Or even in the case of you thinking he is rich, what if he is 2.5 millions in debt due to his spending habits… is he rich?!
We have this misconception of ideals, as though if someone appears to have it… they have it without the costs associated to having it… failing to realize that everything looks shiny on the outside, while inside could be a whole different ball game. People only share to the extend of their vulnerability. And most people understand vulnerability as a weakness, not a strength. And so when they share, they rarely tell the whole truth, and some do it to merely look good, while others do it to not dwell. In either case, one never knows the full story, unless it is your own story.
Furthermore, the problem isn’t solely with comparing ourselves to the ideals and highlights of others, but also others comparing us to them. But just as much as we don’t have the full story, they don’t either. Not of ourselves and not of those they compare us too. And yet, we give weight on the opinions of others, when we already lack the insight on the very thing being compared, to now give value to a third party who is even more removed than we are. It can all get a bit ridiculous.
So the solution is to remove all summaries and get the full story. In other words, get to know you -apart of what you think you should be, who you think you are, what you need to be… rid yourself of comparisons and expectations. And understanding who it is you truly are. And not because people tell you it is who you are, but because you know it is who you are. In lament terms, get to know the full story on YOU and forget the summaries on everyone, by and for everyone else. Focus on you.
Be Alone
First thing is first. Be with you. Sit with you. Get to know yourself… what makes you happy, what makes you sad. What wounds you have, what needs working, improving. What do you like doing or don’t you, and why?! Is it for you or for others. Who are you, who aren’t you?! How do you feel?! What makes you uncomfortable?! Why?! Understand what makes you -you and why… Find your voice -good and bad. Hear and feel your intuition.
Being alone is so underrated. People think that if you’re alone, something is wrong. HUGE MISCONCEPTION. If someone can be alone with themselves, it usually means they are okay themselves. They are comfortable. They don’t require externalities for comfort, assurance and security. Whereas, those that are incapable of being alone, those that are uncomfortable, usually suggests that they are in avoidance of themselves. And if one is in avoidance of themselves, one can’t ever be confident, as they are running in the opposite direction. Confidence comes from within and not from without.
Perspective
The second thing is understanding that everyone is limited in their knowledge. As their what know is relative to what they have experienced, and what they have experienced understood through their perspective. As mentioned in a prior article, we all have our own reading glasses, no prescription the same. What one sees and understands isn’t what another sees and understands.
For all interpretations are subjective to our unique point of view. Neither wrong nor right, just simply what it is. For it isn’t a matter of agreeance, but rather a matter of perspective… and whether or not one agrees, perspective can still be respected. It would be ignorant to respect only that which you agree with… as we are all individuals entitled to our own opinions and views. Just because they aren’t agreeable, doesn’t mean they can’t be respected or should by respected. And how we show that respect is by first knowing who we are.
If we respect our views and opinions, we careless about whether or not others respect them… because if they don’t it shows their ignorance, not ours. Furthermore, people can only respect that which you respect. For someone with flexible morals is less commendable, then someone with stringent ones, regardless if agreeable or not. Same goes for values. Opinions and views. So for someone to disagree and mistreat based on that disagreement doesn’t show flaw within your reasoning, it shows flaw within theirs. Which brings me to the next point…
It’s NOT about you…
Everyone is operating out of their own storyline. Their own point of view all relative to who they are and their experiences. Half of the shit people say is projections about themselves and their life… their internal state of being. Even when offering advice they take their experience and map it to yours, knowing only the summary and not whole book. And some take it, while others don’t. The ones that take have yet to sit alone and gain perspective, while the ones that don’t are the ones that know their voice.
Because you see when you know your voice, you can begin to humble yourself, by understanding that others too, have that voice. The one that talks down, belittles and feeds negativity plus everything in between. For no one is exempt from being human. We all have a voice, which is why we need to discover it, to understand what it is feeding us so that we can flip the script on it so that it doesn’t consume us. Hence why being alone is important. So we can hear that voice and redirect it. Not having project to others, especially ourselves.
Which in turn gives us perspective on that everyone has a self-limiting goblin in our head, so as we latch out due to our negative self talk, so do others. Again, no one is exempt from being human. For if it is happening to you, it is most definitely happening to someone as well. And again, perspective.
The coworker that walked into the office not saying ‘hi’ isn’t about you, maybe they got a ticket on their way in, maybe you remind them of a someone who bullied them, maybe… maybe… maybe… again perspective… people have their own shit going on, their own demons they are battling, and some know it and others don’t. So don’t make it about you… to be an offended would be to completely disregard the reality of someone else. Taking yourself to be the centre of the universe. Just because it triggered you, doesn’t mean it’s about you or it is you… for the only way it’s about you is in the fact it triggered you. Hence the importance of being alone… one, so that you understand why, and two, so that you gain perspective.
Conclusion
The more we come to know ourselves, the more we come to understand ourselves. And when we understand ourselves we can truly stand for ourselves for the simple fact that we are comfortable with who we are and why. Because we know why and why not… we know what and what not… who and who not… we spent time uncovering and discovering, unwinding and regrouping… fighting the uncertainty of being alone through being alone. As we are always alone, as are others.
And the more that we accept ourselves as whole, from within and without, do we understand that everyone is fighting the same battle. Everyone is experiencing what it is to be human. From negative to positive. Everyone is growing their own ecosystem, relative to the blueprint of their life… no one ecosystem better than the other, all relative to the environment and structures within, laid out through time. And it’s matter of knowing the ecosystem in which we reside, so that it can grow and flourish. And not based on that of others, but based on the foundations laid.
In other words, first know what you are working with then understand with you are working without from there merge to learn on how to grow and expand through one.
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